Understanding Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: A Guide to Healing and Building Stronger Boundaries

Narcissistic abuse can have profound and lasting effects on the survivor’s mental and emotional well-being, including the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). In this post, we will explore the abusive behaviors typically seen in narcissistic relationships, the recovery process, and helpful therapeutic approaches such as EMDR and IFS, and how Kristen Goltz, MFTC can help you on your path to recovery. Let’s dive into the world of narcissistic abuse recovery and begin the journey to healing.

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What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is the manipulation, control, and mistreatment that victims experience from someone with narcissistic traits or a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists often display patterns of behavior that serve to maintain their inflated self-image and exert dominance over their victims. These individuals typically come in two primary forms: covert narcissists and grandiose narcissists.

A covert narcissist may appear shy, humble, or even self-deprecating but often hides deep self-centeredness and a need for control. Meanwhile, a grandiose narcissist is overtly self-assured, entitled, and strives for admiration and validation at any cost. Both types can cause immense emotional damage to those they target.

The Abuse Cycle in Narcissistic Relationships

The abuse cycle in narcissistic relationships is often marked by periods of love bombing, devaluation, and discard. Initially, the narcissist may shower their partner with affection and attention, creating an intense emotional bond- they portray themselves to be everything you have ever dreamed of. However, once the victim is emotionally invested, the narcissist begins devaluing them through criticism, manipulation, and emotional neglect. Our nervous system gets addicted to the roller coaster of dopamine highs during the love bombing phase, and we crave it, much like an addict, during periods of devaluation. The highs are extremely high and the lows are extremely low. This cycle repeats itself, with the lows getting longer, and more intense, and the highs getting shorter- causing confusion and emotional trauma. As a result, survivors of narcissistic abuse frequently experience C-PTSD  or PTSD due to the prolonged nature of the abuse.

Understanding Key Narcissistic Behaviors During Recovery

Several behaviors are commonly associated with narcissistic abuse, making it essential for survivors to recognize and learn to navigate them.

• Flying Monkeys: Narcissists often recruit other people to manipulate or harass the victim on their behalf. These people are referred to as flying monkeys, and their role is to reinforce the narcissist’s narrative and further isolate the victim.

• Hovering: After a period of silence or discard, the narcissist may reappear in the victim’s life, often creating confusion and anxiety. This behavior is known as hovering, and it’s designed to keep the victim emotionally tethered to the narcissist.

• Grey Rocking: One method of handling narcissistic manipulation is grey rocking. This involves becoming as emotionally unresponsive and uninteresting as possible in order to avoid provoking the narcissist and to regain control over one’s emotional well-being.

• Yellow Rocking: Similar to grey rocking, yellow rocking involves maintaining an emotional distance while subtly resisting or challenging the narcissist’s manipulative behavior. The goal is to disengage from the emotional turmoil the narcissist causes without confrontation.

• Jade Method: The Jade Method refers to refusing to justify, argue, defend, or explain oneself to the narcissist. This technique helps survivors avoid getting drawn into emotional manipulation and keeps their boundaries intact.

• Firewalling: Firewalling involves setting strict emotional, physical, and mental boundaries to protect oneself from further abuse. It’s an essential tool in the narcissistic abuse recovery process.

The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

The effects of narcissistic abuse are far-reaching and can impact nearly every aspect of the victim’s life. Victims may experience:

• Low self-esteem and self-worth due to the constant devaluation.

• Anxiety and depression as a result of prolonged stress.

• Difficulty trusting others due to the manipulation and betrayal they have experienced.

• C-PTSD or PTSD, leading to flashbacks, nightmares, and a hyper-vigilant state.

Healing from narcissistic abuse requires understanding the emotional and psychological scars left behind and taking steps to rebuild a sense of self and security.

Trauma Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Effective trauma therapy is crucial for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The goal is to help victims understand the trauma they’ve endured, regain a sense of self, and develop strategies to cope with the ongoing effects of the abuse.

Two highly effective therapeutic approaches for narcissistic abuse recovery are:

1. EMDR for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals process and heal from traumatic memories. It’s particularly useful for survivors of narcissistic abuse, as it helps them reframe negative thought patterns and emotions tied to the abuse, ultimately leading to emotional healing. This allows survivors to break out of negative patterns and escape the abuse cycle once and for all.

2. IFS for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps survivors address their internal conflicts and heal from trauma. In the case of narcissistic abuse, IFS can help individuals identify and work with the emotional “parts” of themselves that were damaged or suppressed during the abusive relationship. It promotes self-compassion and helps rebuild a healthy sense of self, which is especially important for victims of narcissistic abuse who often feel like a shattered sense of self following these highly traumatic experiences.

Setting Boundaries and Embracing Healing

One of the most important aspects of narcissistic abuse recovery is learning to set and enforce boundaries. Narcissists often test or violate boundaries as a means of maintaining control. Survivors must develop strong boundaries to protect themselves from future manipulation. Using grey-rocking and yellow-rocking techniques as described above, survivors can develop boundaries around communication with narcissists. It’s vital for survivors to focus on their own healing, rather than trying to “fix” the other person. Remember the Jade method: you don't need to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself to the narcissist, and doing so often results in more harm to yourself. While this can be extremely challenging, especially in cases of divorce or child custody battles, finding ways of coping with the stress of being provoked by your narcissist through social support, journaling, and the help of a trusted therapist is vital during this period of recovery.

Moving Forward

The journey of narcissistic abuse recovery is not linear, and healing takes time. But with the right support, coping strategies, and therapeutic interventions, such as EMDR and IFS, it is possible to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse and reclaim one’s sense of self-worth.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, seeking professional trauma therapy can be a transformative step toward healing. Don’t hesitate to reach out to Kristen Goltz, MFTC who is a qualified trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery to start your healing journey today.

Remember, you are not alone. Narcissistic abuse recovery is possible, and with patience and support, you can rebuild a life of emotional health, safety, and self-love.